It’s been a while, hasn’t it? How has life held you, dearly or tightly? For me, life has been a vice, squeezing ever so firmly but that’s not really what I want to get into. At least not yet, we’re still saying hello. You know, the longer I went without writing (to you) the harder it got to do so. I felt like I had failed in upholding my side of the deal we made when you subscribed to hear from me. However, despite my absence, new friends continued to find their way to my little corner of the internet and encouraged me to find my voice again. So this is hello to you, friends old and new.
I’ve decided to put pen to paper (or cursor to page) and write something despite a lack of direction or clarity regarding what about. Let’s begin by talking a little about what kept me away from writing for so long. I have been very poorly since I last wrote to you in 2022, dealing with health issues both physical and mental. I’ve had one surgery that has left me feeling structurally compromised and several mental breakdowns which have done wonders for my self-confidence and sense of self-efficacy. While dealing with all of that I was unable to study or work, so I’m also financially wrecked; as such this is also a request for help from you, friend, if you can.
Speaking of compromised self-efficacy, I tweeted the other day about wanting stability so I can have the clarity to dream. Dreams, whether the stuff of sleep or daylight musings, are necessary fictions that help us aspire to more. These fictions however need to be grounded in a sense of reality else they become delusions which are incredibly harmful. I'll go into more detail on my personal experience with delusions in another letter, friend. Suffice to say that sometimes, it feels like the trials we go through make us small and dull our brilliance by shaking our innate sense of stability and capability. However, that’s not how I want to live. I want to be able to do things and believe in my ability to get said things done. Because action is a product of belief and if that belief is lacking, what can the righteous do? (Lol forgive my Sunday School humour, I’m being very serious). So this is me doing something about my writing slump because this is one talent I absolutely refuse to bury.
I have at least 5 newsletter drafts that I began, and dumped because I kept worrying about how to say, what to say, and if I even deserved to say, because what is my one small voice in the deluge of content that is the world? But like a friend reminded me when he commissioned me to write about my (mental health) struggles, there is room for my voice too, and if there isn’t I just have to make that space for myself. That’s why I’m so grateful for you, friend. Grateful that you continue to lend an ear and do not let me simply shout into the void.
And if it seems I’m being too grateful? Know that gratitude has been a lifeboat for me in all I’ve been through. If I can find one thing to be thankful for, it means there’s hope that I can find more if I simply persevere. So thank you again, friend, for being an inflatable because Lord knows I can’t swim (or tell jokes, apparently but that won’t stop me). So while I cannot promise consistency or even coherence, I can promise that I value this friendship and will do my best to nurture it by not absenting myself for such an extended period again. I have such thoughts (so many thoughts, all the thoughts, the best thoughts) on everything from dreams to consumerism to the nature of Godhood and I look forward to exploring them with you.
Until next time, mon ami, Peace and Fellow’s Ship.